Without You

Jim lay back on the bed resting his head in his hands, staring at the ceiling of his quarters... thinking about... Spock. Spock... was... dead. As he thought about it, he could hardly believe it. It hurt too much. He sat up quickly, rubbing his hands together. He was still in uniform... but it just didn't occur to him to care.

He lay back on the bed turning on his side. He squeezed his eyes shut and turned to fluff his pillow. No... he just could sleep... here, without him.

He got up, stiffly, and moved out into the corridor. The walk seemed to go on forever, but he finally found the room he was searching for. He pressed his hand against the door, feeling the cold metal against his palm. He had overridden the lock and stepped into the dark room.

That familiar warmth of the room was gone, the room seemed... so empty.

Jim moved to the corner of the room and crawled on to the bed like a small child. He could smell the familiar Vulcan smell on the sheets and he tucked himself under them.

He could almost hear the Vulcan's voice whispering in his ear. He could almost feel the Vulcan's hands around him, gently caressing him. He could almost feel that spicy kiss that made him soar. And soon... he was asleep...

He wasn't alone anymore in the bed. Spock was there. He could hear Spock's deep voice and feel Spock's touch on his arms. He could feel that familiar warmth, again. He felt... safe in these Vulcan arms.

Then the dream shattered to pieces and he awoke with beads of cold sweat blanketing his forehead.

He got up and left the room, locking it again, heading for the bridge. He moved as if in the dream, still.

The officer at the conn stood at the sight of his commanding officer and Jim sat in the chair without a word.

"Sir... Are you alright?" The officer asked.

Am I all right? No. I am not all right. Spock... is gone. There is no one at my side when I turn around, there is no soothing calm voice of reason to hear when something's going wrong. There's no one sleeping next to me at night... I need Spock. I need him in my life. I need that Vulcan by my side.

He rubbed his hand on the chair's arm, gripping it tightly after a moment. "Yes, lieutenant, I'm fine." He forced a smile. A smile he didn't feel inside. Inside, he was alone. His t'hy'la was gone... and without him he was empty.