"Hey Captain," Chekov says from his security station. "What's that you've got? It smells pretty good."
"It's a ruby red California grapefruit, fresh from Orange County, California. A couple crates of them just came in on the last shuttle."
Sulu chimes in. "Well if you feel like sharing, Captain...."
"Mr. Chekov, Mr. Sulu. This is the Captain's -private- stock of California grapefruit. You would be well advised to remember that."
"Of course, sir. Just checking." Chekov turns back to his displays.
"Is it just me, or is it unusually warm in here?" Kirk wipes his forehead.
"The temperature on the bridge is 20.15 degrees Celcius," Spock says from the science station. "All other life support systems are reading within point-one-five percent of normal."
Kirk's attention continues to be focused on the grapefruit as he sits down in his captain's chair. Lovingly he caresses the grapefruit, exploring every square centimeter of its skin. With almost a twinge of pain he begins gently to peel it. Large beads of sweat stand out on his neck and forehead.
When he begins talking to the fruit, the various officers on the bridge stop what they are doing and turn around one by one to watch him.
"I love to touch your skin," Kirk croons, his eyes brightly focused on the fruit, which is now missing one small chunk of its skin. "I want to find your stem. I want to play with you, excite you. I want to peel you, centimeter by precious centimeter."
"Captain, are you feeling all right?" Chekov asks nervously.
"Your behavior is highly illogical," Spock adds. "Perhaps you should pay a visit to sick bay?"
"I'm feeling just -fine-!" Kirk snaps. "And -neither- of you are getting any part of this or any other grapefruit, so you might as well forget it!"
For a few moments silence returns to the bridge. Kirk continues peeling the grapefruit, the pieces of skin dropping idly onto the floor of the bridge. The smell of grapefruit is now almost overwhelming. Everyone seems to be a little bit affected by it except for Spock, who continues with his calculations.
"Captain, if you would have a look at this, please. I'm finding these life-form readings particularly unusual."
The grapefruit is naked now. Without any other sign that he has heard Spock, Kirk lurches to his feet and walks over to the science station. But his attention is still focused entirely on the grapefruit, and his eyes have a glazed and feverish look.
"I've never seen anything like this. It's almost as if they're originating..."
"I'm going to bite you!" Kirk interrupts Spock, loudly. Once again, everyone's head turns his way.
"Captain?" Spock tilts his head and raises one eyebrow.
"I'm going to bite you into pieces! I'm going to shred you apart! I'm going to boldly go where no mouth has gone before!"
With that he takes a huge bite out of the grapefruit. Juice sprays in all directions, dousing both Spock and the science station. Lights flash chaotically, and dark smoke comes out of the console. As Spock begins to stand up, Kirk suddenly collapses forward, knocking Spock back into his seat, his head coming to rest in Spock's lap. Grapefruit is everywhere, and Spock's lap is a wet and sticky mess.
At that moment the turbolift swooshes open again, and Dr. McCoy steps onto the bridge. With a sweep his eyes take in the whole strange tableaux, then come to rest on Kirk and Spock.
"Jim!"
"Dr. McCoy", Spock says, trying to sound dignified.
"Spock!"
Kirk moans. Without saying anything, he begins eating the pieces of grapefruit out of Spock's lap.
"Dr. McCoy". Chekov looks for some indication of what to do. He looks completely at a loss.
"Spock, what the blazes?..."
"Bones." Kirk seems to take notice of him for the first time. Bits of grapefruit go spraying back out from his mouth as he speaks.
Dr. McCoy addresses the whole stunned bridge.
"What the hell did I just walk in on?"
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