Thanks to: Farfalla for the beta and coming up with a better title than I did

Stuck in an Uncomfortable Place

"Dammit, Bones, help me up!"

"Not so fast, Captain, sir."

"What do you mean, 'not so fast'? I'm stuck here, now, will you please give me a hand and help me out of here?"

"Now why would I want to do a thing like that?"

"Because I'm stuck? No, because I'm your captain? Your friend? Enough of this, Bones, whatever you're delaying for, out with it!"

"Well, Jim, I think I'm inclined to just let you sit and stew. After all, you're not needed down there."

"Whaddya mean, 'down there'?"

"Looks like they're all in the valley. Except you."

"What are they doing there? I told them to fan out on the ridge. Bones, look, I have go out there."

"Really?"

"I'm supervising this landing party, damnit!"

"No, you're not. You're here just to get off the ship. Looks to me like Sulu is doing a fine job of coordinating everyone."

"If that's your point, you've made it. Now help me out."

"Ah, ah, ah, just a moment there. I haven't even begun."

"Is that so."

"It is. Do you know what happens when I prepare to give the captain a physical?"

"No, I don't know what happens. I believe that's your department, doctor. You see to your business, and I'll see to mine."

"I have to clear out the whole sickbay."

"The whole sickbay. That's nice. Do you look under every biobed for a nurse you might have missed?"

"Shut up, Jim, or I'll just keep you here longer."

"Oh you will, will you? Why don't I just pull out my communicator and have you arrested for insubordination?"

"And have Captain James T. Kirk seen stuck waist-deep in a hole, begging me to pull him out."

"I'll call Spock, then."

"Yes, Spock. Well, we're getting to that. The point is, a lot of things have to happen when I give you your physicals. Which, considering that you're the captain, I couldn't dare fudge, nor would I. So think about it, Jimbo, what happens when you make me wait?"

"I don't know . . . you spend a few hours twiddling your thumbs? This isn't funny, Bones."

"It's not supposed to be funny, Captain, sir! You put my entire department on standstill when you take your time, and do you know why? Because your exam is confidential. I can't have any nurses walking in, or technicians popping by. You're the captain, and you'd damnwell better start acting like one. And that means coming to your appointments on time!"

"You know, I have a lot of responsibilities, McCoy--"

"And what's more, you are setting a bad example for the rest of the crew. Why should they comply with medical orders when you won't take yours? Bottom line, you're making it harder for me to do my job."

"Is that all?"

"That's all."

"What about Spock?"

"What about him?"

"You said there was something about Spock."

"Never mind. I thought better of it. Here, I'll help you up."

"Bones, what was it about Spock?"

"Why is this so important?"

"I just want to know, dammit."

"Look. It's not a big thing. But for heaven's sake will you stop gloating all the time! It drives me up a wall. Look, not all of us are as lucky as you are, or as lucky as you think you are, and I don't begrudge you your happiness. But I, well, I'd appreciate it if you'd restrain your impulse to share."

"I'm sorry, Bones, I didn't realize you found it offensive."

"I'm not offended, I'm a doctor. I'd just rather not hear every intimate detail about that green-blooded, logic-brained, irritating Vulcan you call a first officer."

"Oh, okay, so it isn't about me, it's about him. Why don't you call off the quarrel and call it a draw?"

"Like hell."

"You're both just as stubborn. The way I see it, neither one of you is ever going to give in. So . . . continuing the disagreement would be . . . illogical."

"You get started on logic with me, Jimbo, and you're staying in that ditch till the cows come home."

"That's fine. I'll just call Spock. I'll make sure he gets stuck in here too trying to help me out and then we can, uh, comfort each other while we're waiting to be rescued."

"The only thing you'll be 'comforting' is your ego, Jim. Here."

"Oof! Thanks, Bones. You're a real pal."

"Any time, Jim, any time."

END

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