Rumors and Stories

"Yeah what is it? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"What the hell.. is this?"

"Hm... It appears to be a story in which you and Mr. Spock are doing the dirty thing."

"Yes, I can see that, thank you. What the hell is it doing on your monitor?"

"I wouldn't know, Jim."

"Don't give me that, Bones. It's right there, on your monitor, and it didn't appear by itself."

"Well, obviously someone has been using my computer to upload this stuff to the ship's databanks."

"Oh. I guess so. Wait, this stuff? There's more?"

"Why yes. Didn't you know?"

"Hell no!"

"Well.. There are many stories like that circulating among the crew."

"What on earth could inspire them to write something like this?"

"Probably the rumors.."

"What rumors?"

"The rumors.. of you and Mr. Spock"

"What rumors of me and Mr. Spock?"

"The rumors that you go folk dancing together, what do you think?"

"..."

"The rumors that you and Spock are.. intimate.."

"Intimate!?"

"Having sex."

"Yes I got that. There are rumors like that?"

"All over the ship."

"My god. You talk like everyone thinks we really are being.. intimate."

"I think everyone assumes it."

"Bones, don't tell me you think that too?!"

"No I'm not saying that. I'm just saying I know what a lot of people think. Most people, actually."

"Am I the only one who hasn't heard these.. rumors?"

"It sure seems so. There are plenty going around. I'm surprised you haven't heard."

"And these.. stories.. Don't tell me you read that stuff."

"..."

"Bones, I can't believe you!"

"What? It's just good fun, Jim. There are some really talented writers on this ship, you'd be surprised."

"Then they should stick to writing mission reports and magazine articles!"

"If you say so. But it really is funny to see our otherwise unflappable Vulcan all caught up in heat and-"

"No it's not! ... Oh gods.. Spock! Do you think he knows?"

"I couldn't say."

"I have to ask. Oh god, if he knows.."

"Jim.."

"Gotta go, Bones."

"Spock."

"Yes, Captain?"

"Spock. Uh.. I just found something.. disturbing.."

"I understand."

"You do?"

"Yes. You look quite disturbed."

"Oh. Right."

"And now I am waiting for you to elaborate."

"Yes, well.. Have you heard any.. rumors, concerning the two of us?"

"What kind of rumors?"

"That we're.. intimate. Physically so."

"I do not listen to rumors, Captain."

"But unless you hold your hands to your ears, you're bound to hear at least the occational gossip."

"Then let me rephrase. I do not indulge in rumors, much less pass them on."

"So you've heard?"

"I have.. heard something, yes."

"Geez, am I the only one on this entire ship who didn't know about it?"

"Maybe you did not want to hear."

"... Are you saying you do want to hear?"

"I said no such thing."

"Well.. good."

"..."

"Did you also know that stories are being written about us? Sex stories?"

"I am aware of that, yes."

"I should have known. And.. you're not the least bit disturbed by the fact that people imagine us together?"

"No, Captain."

"Call me Jim, okay? I'm here as a friend. This conversation is entirely too inapropriate for a captain and his first officer to be having."

"Yes Jim."

"You could have tried to stop these rumors, you know."

"I do not believe I could have done that. My time among humans have taught me that denying often has the exact opposite effect."

"True, I guess."

"Capt.. Jim. Do these stories disturb you?"

"What? No.. I mean, a little.. But no harm done I guess."

"Indeed."

"Good. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay with it."

"I am."

"Great. I'll just go then.."

"Yes, Jim."

"Yes, Captain?"

"Jim. And you know what? It does disturb me. I mean, it annoys me that apparently everyone has been thinking these thoughts about us, except me."

"Yes.."

"Well, it's just annoying! It's about me, at least 50% of the time, and it just seems unfair that I have never had the opportunity to think of us that way when everyone else has for, what, years?"

"1.72 years."

"1.72 years! That's like.. well, like I've missed something that I should have known about. You know, if anyone should think those thoughts, it should be me! And you, I guess. You know?"

"Yes, I understand, Jim."

"Good. I just wanted to get that off my chest. Okay?"

"Very well."

"Good. Then I'll go. And no more talking about this."

"As you wish."

"I just came to thinking, and I really hope I'm wrong, but since you're all okay with this... Have you have thoughts about you and me?"

"Jim, I think about you quite often."

"What? Oh, well I think about you too, of course I do. We see each other everyday."

"Then that is settled."

"You don't want to answer me, do you?"

"I believe I gave you an answer 16.2 seconds ago."

"You didn't let me finish. Spock, have you thought of you and me.. having sex?"

"..."

"Oh god. Spock! Don't tell me you read this stuff too?"

"No, Jim, I have not read it."

"Are you sure?"

"Quite certain."

"Okay. Well.. That's the last I want to hear of this."

"Yes, Jim."

"See you on the bridge."

"Yes, Jim."

"Spock."

"Yes, Jim?"

"You wrote this didn't you?"

"... Yes."

"That's outrageous!"

"That was not my intent."

"But nevertheless it is! I should discipline you for writing sex stories about you and your Captain."

"... In the story, that is not exactly what we are. And as for disciplining, if you read-"

"It doesn't matter! I'm your superior officer!"

"Yes, Captain."

"Spock, it's Jim!

"Now you are not making sense. Are you here as Captain or friend?"

"What? Both! Neither! Don't change the subject, I'm still mad at you."

"Obviously. Then I apologize."

"Well.. Thank you. But don't do it again."

"I will not."

"Good. Good day, Spock."

"Good day."

"Jim, you seem to be very indecisive today."

"Well this whole thing has thrown me. You know what's really bothering me? That you would write this kind of thing without the appropriate research. You don't know my birthmarks, or how I like to do it, or where! You don't know if I'm the silent type or not!"

"Well.. The walls are not that thick, Jim."

"..."

"Jim?"

"Okay, but.. but you don't know so many other things. Like you don't know how I kiss!"

"That is true."

"And.. I don't think it's fair that you just make up that kind of thing. People might take it for the truth."

"Did I write it that bad?"

"Well, you haven't got all the details right.. I'm just saying.. you don't know how I kiss!"

"Unfortunately no."

"You.. haven't tried kissing me."

"Also true."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... See? Not like you wrote it at all."

"I stand corrected. Perhaps I can persuade you to help me with more research? I should like to get my facts ri--"

"--I thought you'd never ask."

"Spock..."

"Yes?"

"I know I said not to write anymore stories of us..."

"Yes?"

"But... You can write one more. Just, you know, one final one that will be more like the thruth. Just to clarify things."

"I understand. I will do that, Jim."

"Just one."

"..."

"What is it, Spock?"

"... You do realize I am not the only one on the Enterprise writing these stories about us.."

"...!"

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