Beginning of the End [Ruby]

Command. It is like space. It can be a cold and lonely place. It is a vast world of endless opportunities and life or death decisions. There were many times I've said, this is real, not a dream. I've seen many good times and many bad times.

We fought side by side, my friend, but now I look around and find-- I am alone. Something came and took you away. But as I stare out into space, I see the stars shine for you. They burn to light the path you now take through your new travels. You were all my strength and all my courage--now I feel weak, incomplete.

I've seen this before--death, but it never got this close to me before, I never allowed it. It had never touched my heart, my soul, before. I am nothing without you. I never truly lived until you came into my world and I thanked God everyday for you.

Peace and quiet awaits you, my Vulcan friend. You now trek where you've never traveled before. You've always been fascinated with the unknown and now you take on the biggest unknown journey ever known to man.

Someday, if there's such a place as Heaven, we might meet again and there we can trek through the unknown of those strange, new lands together. I will see you. You will greet me with your usual Vulcan charm--logically, of course, and I'll ask you for a report on what you've learned up to that time. I can see you now, eyebrow uplifted, questioning my sanity. Everything is possible-- beyond the invisible--you taught me that. Hell, I'll even drag Bones along with us. He might come kicking and screaming, but he'll come, if only to just torment you as he always enjoyed doing. Oh, I know, he is irrational and illogical, but I know deep down you respected him and took him into your Vulcan heart and called him brother.

My dear friend, I am swallowed up in the sounds of my screaming. I've cried tears of liquid fire. How long must I remain in my deep sleep, dreaming the same nightmare over and over? Time and fate have cut the thread to our link but you still reside in my thoughts and in my heart. You were a true friend. You were there with me when I was at my lowest and when I was at my best. I know there were times you disapproved of my measures, but there were also times you approved of my logical actions that were dictated solely on human, emotional, gut instinct.

Last night I looked in the mirror and saw your face. You are still by my side. I went to bed, tried to rest. I closed my eyes and had to cringe as I saw your face contorted in pain. I tried to will myself away from that moment. I sought for a secure refuge. I wished to be safe inside myself, oblivious to all that happened.

I couldn't save you. How will I save myself? Perhaps one day I'll wake up and for once I won't be tormented by your ghostly presence. I'm drowning in sorrow. I am sliding under a sheet of ice. I must break through or I'll die. There never was and never will be a Vulcan--a friend like you. I've always known who you were even though you never could see it for yourself.

Your presence remains in this place. I see a shadow of you walking down the corridor. I see you at the 3-D chess table, your hands steepled in front of you. I see you in your seat, at your post on the bridge at the science station. I see you standing next to me on the transporter pads. I hear your voice in the still of night--while I am on the empty bridge at night. Lost words whisper to me--

"Captain, scanners are picking up an object five thousand kilometers off the starboard bough." I turn to ask to see it on screen, but when I do, you're not there.

I walk down the lonely corridor.

"Captain, the landing party awaits us in the briefing room." I nod my head and turn to acknowledge your announcement, but you are not there.

"Jim, it was logical."
I close my eyes and have to agree, but damn your fallible logic, and damn Kahn for his placing you in the position where you had to choose between living and dying. Damn you, Spock, for leaving me here alone in the cold vastness of space.

I'm trying hard to convince myself that you're gone--but my human logic fails me. You were there for me when those I cane to care for, died or were killed. You made me see all that ever happened was logical, that is was a part of the greater scheme of things. Who will be there for me now? Who will keep me on the straight and narrow--keep me balanced? Who will be my other half--the best part of me?

For years I had been alone, command dictated it to be so. Then you came along and I let you touch my heart and I reached out to you and drew you into my world, took you unto me as a close friends and confidant. We were brothers, fighting shoulder to shoulder, taking on the world--the whole universe together. We found a balance between us, and the world was ours to explore. You trusted me with your deepest fears and misgivings about yourself. I showed you that who you were was a wonderful gift to life, there was no shame in who you were. I think you may have discovered that in the end.

Broken hearts lie all around me, as bodies on a worn torn battlefield. Grief fills the air and tries to suffocate me. There is no way out of this one, my friend. I can't find a way to bring you back, to cheat death and steal you from it. Someone just took the best part of me. I hope someday I'll understand why fate played such a crazy game, toying with the feelings of others.

As sure as the stars shine, we'll find each other again, my friend. I ask myself how long must I carry this weight upon my shoulders? There is not one to help lighten my burden--see me through the nightmare of this thing called life--called fate. You trusted me through all those years, trusted I would see us through the trials we faced--but I've failed you now for I couldn't pull you through this, our last battle together.

I carry you in my heart, dear friend, dear brother, and there, death cannot get to you, take you away. I will carry memories of our times together. I'll remember our struggles through life and of the magnificent strategies we cooked up together when we found ourselves in a tight spot. Within my memories you remain and I will see your uplifted brow, your head tilt to the side when I say something illogical, your arms crossed in front of you as you listen to Bones try to pull the wool over your eyes. You are there, you'll always be there until death claims me and carries all that I am, away.

I am tired, Spock, so tired. I once said I feel young, but it is times like this that I feel old. I feel the wear and tear that command has born upon me. I tell myself--don't give in to the pain. Keep busy. Don't sleep. If I don't sleep then you'll not die again. Tears blind me and they cloud the shadow of your figure. Death was before me. I looked it in the eye. I couldn't beat it--cheat it, out of its conquest.

The ship is now a lonely place without you. The spot to my right is cold and empty and now there is only silence where you once stood. I must let you go. I must find a way to live with the pain I now find myself drowning in. I must think that you have gone on to a better place--a better resting place. Spock, goodnight, my friend, I hope you have found peace at last. Heaven has opened its arms and taken you into its tender care, and I find myself at the beginning of the end with you.

Now that you're good and sad, go here to get happy again:
Kirk rescuing Spock in Star Trek III

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